One more question, Mr. President!

Wednesday April 14, 8:30 a.m., The White House. The morning after the big press conference, one more reporter shows up...

"Mr. President! Mr. President!"

"You're a little late. The press conference was yesterday. And besides, as I said last night, those who yell will not be called on."

"Yes sir -- if I may call you 'sir'; I know you had a problem with a reporter calling you that the other day -- yes sir, I know the press conference was last night, but if it's not too much trouble, I'd like a follow-up."

"Look, I've already answered enough questions about Iraq. I will not waver."

"But sir, my question isn't about Iraq."

"And I'm not answering any questions about the economy, either. My answer on that is always the same, anyway: tax cuts. I will not waver."

"OK, no questions about the economy, either."

"I said I will not waver, and I mean what I say as president. I will not waver."

"But what about your tie, sir?"

"My tie? Which tie? My tie to the Saudi royal family? I bet you heard that from Michael Moore. That has nothing to do with --"

"Not that kind of tie -- your necktie, sir. Do you feel it was a mistake to wear that particular tie on television?"

"A mis-WHAT? I don't understand that question. I made a mistake when I traded Sammy Sosa. That was my first, and last mistake. As president I stand firm. I do not make mistakes. I chose this necktie because I love freedom, and because I will not waver, and when I say that I mean that I will not waver because I love freedom."

"You may not waver, Mr. President, but your necktie wavered the whole time. The reporters in the room didn't see it, but to those of us watching on television, your tie was dancing around like a psychedelic boa constrictor. You see, sir, the image on a television screen is made up of a bunch of little dots. And the tie you wore last night, it was covered with little dots. The pattern of dots on the tie conflicted with the pattern of dots on the screen, which made your tie look like this:



"It wasn't quite as bad on CSPAN, but even there you had some stripes moving up and down as you swayed back and forth at the podium. If Karen Hughes had been there last night instead of on a book tour, she would have advised you not to wear that tie, because she was once a TV news reporter and everybody who works in television learns that lesson early on."

"Those TV people distort everything! It's the liberal media..."

"Actually, sir, it's just a phenomenon of physics. If you superimpose a pattern over another pattern, you're going to get some distortion, kind of like looking through a window screen. If one or both of those patterns is in motion, the distortion will move around in a downright trippy manner, reminding many Americans of the 1960s, and I'm not talking about Vietnam. So would you admit that it was a mistake to wear that tie?"

"How dare you insult our troops! Next question. Let's call on somebody else. Let's see..."

"Mr. President, all the other reporters went home hours ago. The only ones left are myself and Helen Thomas."

"I see. Well, in that case, go ahead and ask your next question. And Helen, you might as well put your hand down."

"Did you make a mistake in choosing that tie for your television appearance?"

"I want to assure the American people that I will not waver, that I love freedom, and that if I had had the slightest inkling that the liberal media would distort this tie, then of course I would have gone after them. We cannot allow a threat like that to gather."
  ¶ 10:30 AM |