Isn't it ironic?
Blogger's note: Coincidentally, just as I was about to address the subject of words and phrases we'd rather not see in newspapers, copy editor extraordinaire (emeritus) Frank Hofmann dispatched this typical example of the in-depth reporting he was once assigned to repair before publication. We urge readers to experience it in its entirety.
IRON JOURNALISM
By Horn Tooker
Riverside PeeEee
Buena Park police reported yesterday that a man with a pistol rifled a home in the aftermath of gaining entry, according to a spokesman who spoke only on condition of being allowed to remain anonymous and ignorant.
Ironically, it was not the first break-in experienced by the resident, Rip Shorn, who reported the deja vu experience to police. Shorn said his school locker had been burgled when he had been in the first grade some years ago by a phys ed coach.
Police responded to the scene of the alleged burglary at approximately 7:13:24 in the alleged 8,000 block of Eighteenth Street.
Police found no one on the scene when they arrived except resident Shorn, who experienced a large automatic revolver in one hand and a silver teapot in the other. Upon being questioned, Shorn described the suspect as a large male or female wearing a mask and a beard, dark in color, carrying a portmanteau full of household items, as well as a gun. He said the suspect left in a car, red in color, as well as pop-up headlights, with what seemed to be a dead body in the passenger seat, he added.
Shorn had lead (as spelled) police to the living room of his home, where he had showed them the heirlooms he had told police had been left to him by his grandmother when he had been, or when he would have been, had he been so, a small boy of five, he added.
Police, who expressed concern, estimated the value of the stolen items, if they had been stolen, as $3,650.34, even though there was no fire and no firefighters were present.
Some confusion was added to the incident by neighbors, who reported hearing gunshots that sounded like a car backfiring. Other neighbors heard a car backfiring noise that sounded like shots. A few said the noise sounded like firecrackers being played with by small boys in the street.
Police eventually determined that a car had traversed the street during the burglary and it had backfired just as its occupants were experiencing firing guns and throwing firecrackers out the windows. Shorn yesterday said he heard nothing, or nada, because he, 42 Friday, is trying to learn Spanish by attending Thursday night classes at RCC on Wednesdays, located just eight blocks from his home. Police declined to comment on that. RCC also declined to comment.
Ironically, police said it had been a coincidence that had allowed them to experience capturing the suspect. Chief Sandford "Daddy" Linsey-Woolsey had been at a news conference this morning and had been asked how the suspect had been captured.
"Well," Chief Daddy said, "It was night at the time, of course, but nobody had told me about the darkness, so I hadn't known what to expect. There had been a Santa Ana blowing and the wind had been hitting 90 mph. My officers and the subject had been traveling at 90 mph in the opposite direction. That means that both cruiser and the suspect's car had been at a standstill, relative to each other, so my officers had just walked over and had arrested the suspect, as well as the suspect's car, as well as the dead person."
"It certainly was ironic, Chief Daddy Linzy-Woolzy."
"That's just what one of my lieutenants had been saying."
"Chief Daddy Lindsey-Woozy, did you say the suspect was six feet tall?"
"No. I said he IS six feet tall."
"Was."
"Is."
"Ok then, is it safe to say he had been six feet tall?"
"It has been all right with me," he added.
Yesterday the Board of Supervisors sent both Chief Daddy Linsey-Woolsey and Shorn to Ironics Anonymous, a support group for those who feel compelled to use the word "ironic" when the circumstances call for use of the word "coincidentally."
Officer Rick Doo Dah of the Mesa Police Dept. had said the day before yesterday that police had experienced recovering the gun, but Chief Daddy Lydsey-Woodsy has said that since it had never been lost, it could never have been recovered. Nor was the gun retrieved, Chief Daddy, said, because it hadn't been sent anywhere.
Doo Dah, inadvertently, had been sent to Experiences Anonymous, a support group for those who say something was "experienced" when simply "had" or "have" will do. The entire police department and the entire reporting staff of the PeeEee were ordered to Had Been Anonymous, a series of seminars for those who insist on writing "had been" when simply "was" will do.
CORRECTION
A story in yesterday's editions of the PeeEee, because of misinformation, incorrect editing, inappropriate writing and just plain bad luck, contained one or two errors. The burglary suspect's name had been Bradford "Daddy" Linsy-Woolsy. The chief of police had been Rip Shorn. There was no Santa Ana wind yesterday; it had been a tornado, which destroyed Temecula. The dead person in suspect Linsy-Woolsey's car had been in fact a stuffed caricature of Burl Ives, circa 1956, as he was seen in the movie "West of Thermopolai." The house burglarized was on A Teeth Street, not Eighteenth Street. The gun that had been seen in Rip Shorn's left hand was a 105mm naval rifle and the silver teapot in his other hand had been a potty for children under two and a half. Finally, there had been no burglary. The incident instead had involved a domestic violence dispute in which 38 people in one family had been killed, with 76 receiving injuries. Chief Shorn said this morning that it had been ironic.
AMPLIFICATION
Two days after the alleged high-profile burglary/massacre/speeding incident reported in Tuesday's editions, Chief Tip Gorme, the chief's real name, reported that burglary victim Lizzey-Woolsley's siblings, proved to be such by DNA tests, were in fact involved in the burglary of Lindsey-Woozey's house. When police arrived at the sprawling house three people had gained entry and were in occupancy.
